Living On, Behind and Beyond the Edge

I knew I  was in trouble when nausea began to fill my thoughts. Usually when I am in some kind of trouble, my subconscious mind would dredge up a song specifically for this occasion and provide me with a soundtrack to help me deal, recognize a theme, create a mantra. But when the nausea remixed itself into that Lady Gaga song, “I’m on the edge… of nausea…”  became my Song for the Moment, I was doubly praying the drugs would kick in.

This morning I was delighted to hear Bruno Mars’ The Lazy Song. I could mention others, parodies created in my semi-conscious state that come into being when heavy duty drugs and me get together. Hallucinations visual, verbal and tactile, false memories and periods of lost time, even stuff I write that comes out like kloikrkk or fmmfgsm or [[[[///{{{h. I’m always disappointed that it isn’t something profound or prophetic. Perhaps some wisdom of the ages or channelling from Pleiadean elders. This would account for some of the expressions in my pics.

I have probably mentioned other side effects brought on by this stew, much of which is related to fine motor skills and lack of comprehension of even the simplest of things.

It might be the dry air in here but I also find my eyes get fatigued often and I have to rest after a few moments, leaving me open to the kind of gibberish mentioned above. Sometimes I see things moving in my peripheral vision. Most disturbing if not more intriguing are the episodes where I feel someone touching me– a hand on the shoulder, massaging my toes, poking my thigh. Very interesting, indeed.


10 thoughts on “Living On, Behind and Beyond the Edge

  1. Hi Sus!!!! WAY TO GO!!!!
    So happy to see these last two posts!
    Love you and think of you many times a day…
    Spring is in the air here this morning (March 3)…windy and warmish, melting snow. That is a BEAUTIFUL picutre that Marc painted…I think the tree is you blossoming and healing!
    Love and hugs

  2. Sus,
    You have to know that you (and Pete) are being carried about with us throughout our days. Every challenge we have, every little quibble with (or from) our kids or each other, is held in perspective against the challenges you have been facing, and the grace and courage that you continue to display. Know, too, that what we –linked in lots of real and fuzzy ways to a whole world of people energy–mainly carry is the optimistic conviction that your strong spirit is going to win this.

    It was a powerful experience for us to be a part of last weekend’s event. To recognize that we are a part of such a community is very buoying. To know that, were we in you place–whatever level of grace and courage we might ourselves muster–the same community would support us in various ways, is a kind of “insurance” that can’t be bought with monthly premiums. You and Pete have put a lot out into this world; it is no surprise that the world is happy to send some back.

    All our love and good thoughts!

    Skot and Tam

  3. Sus, you are looking great in your bandana. Very funky. You couldn’t be doing better in coping with this nightmare. Fight on! I’m thinking of you from the ski slopes in France. Well, the day after skiing — couldn’t manage another. It is actually hard to sit down or get up today.

  4. You’re amazing, Sus! It’s not just your pugnacity that is inspiring; you’ve actually led me to a discovery in an area where not only would I not have have expected it but I would also never have touched with a barge pole.

    I long ago gave up on the world of modern commercial singers; there’s only so much monotonous and strained caterwauling artificially amplified by grating technology that I can take in any one year. I had certainly heard of Lady Gaga, and that she went under the label of ‘singer’, but it had never crossed my mind to risk subjecting my delicate auditory apparatus to her output.

    But your mention of her in that powerful first paragraph of yours nudged me to to the edge of curiosity, and what I heard took me to the edge of astonishment. I called Pascal to come and listen; great, and totally unexpected stuff – thanks for pointing us to her. Pascal tells me that he has heard comments from L. Gaga that do suggest that she actually does have more than just the usual two grey cells to rub together so we’ll be listening out for both her musical output and also her animadversions on society.

    I’m looking forward to seeing what I learn from your next post.

    Love from both of us,


  5. Hi Sus, I’m just blown away with you ability to continue to find lucid moments to write down your thoughts and memories. It’s pretty tough when you’re caught in-between worlds. What is Real? one can only wonder. “is this the real Life, is this just fantasy?’ sung so well by Queen from Bohemian Rhapsody. I tried numerous times to add this link to this comment, but no luck Jose!

    Seems as if you’re floating along a moving conveyor belt where numerous doors present themselves. So many choices, so many images, sounds and links to the universe. Where does it begin and end? Drugs are pretty powerful eh!! They can really distort your sensory perception and alter your thoughts and awareness. But what seems so cool, is how the music lyrics and melodies emerging your you are so closely mapped to your being. I like to think of it, as an Artist at work.
    Layer after layer, ideas popping in out of the blue, colour, feelings, voices, sounds, all mixing together. Nothing needs to make sense. Yet, there you are a unique being.

    You’re on a roll Sus. Just keep flowing with the tide. You’re becoming more beautiful each day inside and out. Not many people would share the transformation happening to you…but in doing so, your spirit is really awakening and the glow is awesome. Thankyou for sharing.

  6. Great updates, Susie. Loved all the photos! Will be reading regularly to check in on you. Will also send that Arbonne body cream to you now that my cold has finally subsided… and it’s -13 here today, so I can just leave it outside overnight and it will kill anything that was lurking on it anyway!!!! Will send it to Wolfe Island, to be brought to you. So, so great reading these updates. What a venture/adventure!!!
    Gotta go pick up my students from library on a prep and get them bundled up for recess…. =) Talk to you soon!

  7. Hi Susie,
    What a journey you are on!
    Gianni and I are thinking about you a lot and sending lots of positive thoughts your way. I’m amazed that you muster up the energy and will to write your blog; we look forward to hearing how things are progressing and look forward to the day we can visit you all on Wolfe Island. Wendy XXXOOO

  8. Sus, your writing is more lucid than a that of a lot of academic sorts I know . . .
    So glad you are documenting this journey — what a gift of perspective you offer to us readers, and what a powerful reminder to us all to get on with things and stop complaining. Your tenacity is an inspiration. Love and light to you & Pete.

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